What is one example of "small stuff" that you let get to you recently?
Letting go of a situation is something I, like many people, struggle to do. I overthink many things so when something happens and doesn’t go as planned, I can sit in a room for hours thinking of every possible way it could have gone better or that I messed up on. There have been times in my life when I was forced to let go of for my own sanity, and one of these instances is schoolwork in my classes. I am taking the first AP classes that I have ever taken and one, in particular, is increasingly wearing on me. My AP World class had an assignment, to take notes on nine pages of World History information. I put a lot of thought into the notes I took, spending almost four hours on them. What I received back was what the teacher called a “generous C,” because my notes weren’t considered elaborate enough. That was a giant shock, right at the beginning of the year to a student who rarely scores less than an A. I was scared out of my mind as I spent an entire 8 hours on the redo of the assignment. With no sleep and school the next day, I realized how much of a setback that had been for the rest of my schoolwork. All of my work was pushed back for 2 days and I still had the next school day to attend, so that is where I am now. I realize what I need to do. In a moment of mental clarity, I need to take a look at the bigger picture of life. Looking at my entire life, is this given moment really going to stand out and define me as much as I may have believed it would? Should I always aim for perfection or should I just try my best? In the end, my actions today will contribute to my future but won’t define my fate. The actions I take are cumulative and work up to a goal, so I will achieve what I strive to do if I try my best to succeed.
Chapter 2: Make Peace with Imperfection
How does your 'ego' distract you? i.e. judgement, fear, anxiety, depression, comparison, hatred, anger and more... How do your emotions affect your self-esteem?
My emotions lead me in ways I do not want them to and take control when my mind shuts down. Whether it is a feeling of sadness or a sense of anxiousness, I find it debilitating to do things while it is happening. It is a cycle because often I feel an extreme need to control the things around me and I have never come to peace with the fact that my emotions are going to run their course. When I am trying to control and it isn’t working, this leads me to feel very anxious and confused about my loss of control. I also try to hide the emotions that I feel are “bad,” around all people such as when I am sad, angry, or anxious. This causes me to feel really alone even when I am surrounded by a lot of people, and also shut down when I am overwhelmed. My ego is one that will distract me from what is important at a given moment and separate me from a situation. Often when I am feeling something, my favorite thing to do is lock the door to my room and lay in bed. My productivity decreases, as well as my self-esteem. The only thing that increases is the amount of work I have to do after since I decided to put off my responsibilities and give in to what my emotions drive me to do.
Chapter 3: Let Go of the Idea that Gentle, Relaxed People Can't Be Superachievers
Thoughts: "When you have what you want (inner peace), you are less distracted by your wants, needs, desires and concerns. It's thus easier to concentrate, focus, achieve your goals, and to give back to others."
Wants are the origin of a lot of unnecessary stress because we feel that we will be defined by the fact of whether or not we achieve our goals. Stress is paralyzing and is often something that serves as an obstacle between where we are and where we want to be. We waste so much time stressing about how to do something that we run out of time without actually executing a plan. When we find peace in ourselves, we learn to accept ourselves for who we are, and that releases a lot of pressure previously put on ourselves. Instead of the ingrained thought that we aren’t good enough, we are left with the time, flexibility, and clear goal plan to achieve what we want. Flexibility allows for more focus because we pause and take a good look at our surroundings. We can be present in the moment, and immerse ourselves in the world around us. As we look around, we notice people struggling who need guidance in their lives and we have the mental clarity to extend a hand and help them along. The biggest reason that we aren’t able to help others is that we are too caught up in our own lives to notice the world around us so when we find peace within ourselves, it becomes easier to give back to others.
Chapter 4: Be Aware of the Snowball Effect of Your Thinking
Do you notice how your mind and body feel when your thinking is out of control?
When I am out of control, my mind and body tense up. It is as if somebody is trying to squeeze something out of me and I can’t move. I shut down and isolate from the world because I cannot handle not being in control of my surroundings. One thing about me is that I crave familiarity. When things are unfamiliar, I do not do well because I do not have a prepared response to the situation. This has caused a lot of problems for me lately because I do not feel completely satisfied with the way I am leading my life right now and I know I need to make a change. I am taking all of the hardest classes offered even if they don’t mean anything to me and I am spending countless hours on schoolwork because it was always what I was taught to do. I spend so much time on school that I do it at the expense of my mental health and happiness. There are so many goals that I have for myself that I can’t pursue when I am wasting my time with frivolous AP humanities classes. I want to pursue music further like I did when I was younger, and I want to learn how to sing. I want to start a non-profit environmental organization to help solve the Earth’s problems before I leave high school. I want to truly be happy for the first time in a while. I want to find love and devote every day to making a girl happy and understood. I want to have a best friend that I can confide in and do things with. Instead, I am completely isolated from other people at school, doing schoolwork all day every day and having a completely messed up sleep schedule. I need to make a big change in how I lead my life, and I also need to learn to accept the help of others around me and build my support system, because I cannot take everything on my own. If I try to do that, I am going to break down every time.
Chapter 5: Develop Your Compassion
Can you recall a time when you made something "big" and dramatic when in reality it was "small" and not that big a deal?
Grades are something I always make into a big deal. If I have less than an A in a class, the world feels like it is going to end and crumble beneath my feet. In reality that is not the case. One specific example is in my AP World History class. Mr. Perez is definitely one that grades harshly. On the most recent test, there was a multiple-choice and SAQ. On the SAQ, I included extra information so I got a 10/15 and on the multiple-choice, I missed such simple questions and got a 16/20. I was disappointed in myself for the whole day afterward and I criticized myself. In reality, these scores were not awful and would not define my entire life in any way, but I thought they were huge at the time because they were going to affect my progress report grade. It was not a big deal at all because even after those got in the grade book, I still had a mediocre A. I also need to remember that Bs and Cs are still passing grades and satisfactory so I should celebrate rather than stress when I get these. I need to learn to strive for the highest but be content with my best work.
Chapter 6: Remind Yourself that When You Die, Your "In Basket" Won't Be Empty
What does your 'in basket' look like? And will it be there tomorrow...
My in-basket is one that is always full. I do fall victim to the mindset of thinking that once my in-basket is empty, I will be happy and calm. In reality, there has not been a time in my life when my in-basket wasn’t full of something, even since I was little. The simple things like eating, drinking enough water, making phone calls, and other things are permanent and as long as I’m in school, work will always be an element to that basket as well. Today is a Monday, and my in-basket is full of school duties. I have homework in AP World, English, AP HUG, Math, Leadership, and Biology as well as having to tidy up my room. Tomorrow, I will be assigned more homework in class so I will just have more to do. Thinking that my in-basket will ever be empty is actually more debilitating than motivational. I get disappointed when it is refilled and I get overwhelmed when I think that I need to be everything for everyone. I am all over the place trying to satisfy everyone else’s needs and I lose track of who I really am. Who is going to satisfy what I need? Sometimes we need to let others take their own personal responsibility and take responsibility for our own needs. Somebody who expects the world of you is toxic because they are asking something that is physically impossible. Goals can be set, but they also need to be able to be modified because not everything can happen at once.
Chapter 7: Don't Interrupt Others or Finish Their Sentences
Do you believe you are a strong listener or could use some work?
I believe I am a strong listener. I see great value in spectating because you can learn a lot more about people’s actions and personality by giving them the time to express it. I find it more enjoyable also because I don’t particularly like speaking. I spend most of my day listening to people and analyzing what they do. I can learn a lot but there are many downfalls to overly listening to people. One that I have found is that I can know a lot about a person while there are very few people in my life that really know me at all. This is one thing I did not know when I was younger but has gotten better over the years. I had the opposite problem of most people because I had to work to become more social with others. I think there were a lot of life events that may have contributed to me being less social with other people but the consequences of this were that people were never given the opportunity to know who I am. As I have gotten older, I feel that I have become a lot more expressive of my personality and embrace the fact that what I have to say is important too. I still partially limit myself especially with the details about me that I am not the most proud of but I try to be as genuine a person as I can possibly be. I am mostly the same around all people in every situation and I think people appreciate that because many will act a fake persona and pretend to be somebody they aren’t.
Chapter 8: Do Something Nice for Someone Else--and Don't Tell Anyone About It
Recall a time you have given, did you expect acknowledgement?
Expecting praise for helping others is a bad habit to get into. There is nothing wrong with wanting praise because that is natural for all of us but wants and expectations should definitely be different. Everyone seeks the approval of those around us because we so often compare ourselves and our lives to the lives of other people. We even sometimes try to model ourselves to resemble these people, so there would be no reason that we wouldn’t want to be told that our actions are approved of. An expectation means that one will get frustrated if they don’t get praised for their actions, and this means that the person does not have integrity. It means that the person’s goal in helping was personal gain, and that is unfair for multiple reasons. When I help somebody else, I do it to make their life a little easier. I don’t receive anything but my own happiness for helping these people. When others thank me for what I have done, I definitely appreciate it and it makes me feel good. When I don’t receive a thankful response from people, I will still continue to help them. My want for acknowledgement means that if I receive it, I am not going to refuse or push it away. I do not expect it, meaning that I will still continue to help people even if they don’t give me what I want. I feel it is unfair to expect something from the person you are helping. It was a personal choice to help and that other person has no obligation to you. This relates back to the fact that we are all responsible for our own actions. In expecting praise or acknowledgement, one is putting the responsibility of their actions onto somebody else and that is unfair.
Chapter 9: Let Others Have the Glory
Have you experienced someone else ‘stomping’ on your story (glory)? How did it make you feel?
I have a little brother and he is in 6th grade. He and I are very different people. I am quite devoted to my studies and I take advanced classes, always doing homework and winning awards for my academic excellence. I don’t like to be active much, my two best subjects in school are English and science, and the two subjects I struggle the most with are math and history. My brother, Justin, is much better than I am at sports and loves math. He struggles in all of his subjects that incorporate English though because he has a hard time having the attention span for reading and also comprehending what is going on in the text. We also have an age gap between each other so when a new opportunity or privilege is opened up to me, he may not get the same thing yet. Justin has often been envious of everything I do and it has caused him to stomp on my glory a few times. This has happened by him degrading me and also by bringing attention to himself. The most recent was when I shared my goal of wanting to start a non-profit organization. My brother followed up my statement by saying that I was only trying to be a showoff and it would never happen. A time when he brought attention to himself was on my birthday when he left in the middle of my celebration, causing us to have to pause to go find him, and then dramatically exclaiming how bored he was having no presents for himself at that moment. I know this behavior is very typical of siblings so a lot of the time, I try to let these things go. In some instances though, especially when my parent has decided to contribute to the negativity, I can’t help but overthink and ask myself if what I have accomplished is actually as important as I thought it was. I get a lot of my motivation from the positivity of others but when I experience negativity from the people around me, I isolate myself. When I am isolated, I get caught up in past negativity rather than feeding on positivity. Then I lose the motivation to keep accomplishing similar goals as the previous because I no longer see the importance or value in them.
Chapter 10: Learn to Live in the Present Moment
What are some ways you work to stay in the present moment?
Pulling ourselves away from the past or the future is hard because there is so much to think about in both of those realms. For myself who is constantly thinking, I have found that most of my thoughts are something about the past or the present. The best way I have found to escape what is happening in my mind is to find a distraction around me. Noticing the direction of the wind or the pattern on my wall, or listening to the noises and feeling the temperature of the room are all ways that I start to notice the world around me. Another situation that forces me to pay attention to the present is when I am in conversation with somebody else because I must hear what the other person is saying. If I can shift my focus, I can be temporarily present. I have never found a way to permanently be in the moment. I was raised to always be preparing for the future ahead of me. The high school has also shaped me into being a person that constantly plans schedules for days in advance to manage multiple assignments. I have gotten into the habit of obsessing over what is out of my control and I haven’t broken that yet because I am in an environment that feeds the need for that habit. I do not believe that I would have been as successful with school and daily life if I hadn’t been planning for moments ahead. My best explanation for my mind’s thinking is that it is like I go to a different world. People see it as zoning out and some may think I am daydreaming, but I am actually just planning. I have never been able to keep my attention on the present moment long because I transfer to this world of analyzing, thinking, and planning where I am almost completely disconnected from reality and instead in an empty bubble. Rarely is the result of this thinking ever evident to other people. One example of this is in conversation or in my classes. For every statement and question somebody speaks, I formulate a response in my head but I only ever say less than ten percent of what I have been thinking. For the rest of the time, I am quiet. My only escapes from thinking are with temporary distractions so these are where I find my retreats to the present moment.
Chapter 11: Imagine that Everyone Is Enlightened Except You
Think of a time when you were frustrated, now look at it as a moment of being taught… what did you learn?
This is so hard to do because I have so many opinions and criticisms associated with myself so I will automatically think negatively. I will cut myself down and immediately attack my personality and character for having any negative feelings towards somebody or acting in some way that may have provoked an action. All of the responsibility for both parties’ actions is put onto me when I do this and since I tell myself something that isn’t true, I don’t get any true teachings from it. To actually get an insightful lesson of what I have been taught, I must look at the situation as if I was in the third person point of view. One recent time when I was frustrated was when one of my teachers for an advanced level class gave a large assignment with very little explanation and a very short amount of time to complete it. It was a notes assignment for ten pages of reading that was assigned at 2:30 pm in the afternoon during the school week and due at 5 pm the same day. Now, I have stepped back from the situation and learned something from it. This unexpected situation taught me to always section a part of my day out for this type of situation. It taught me to not always rely on the concrete plans I form for my day and instead be ready for the things I don’t expect. I believe that this will help me a lot in my future because I will be able to manage my time better and not have to work overtime to complete suddenly presented projects.
Chapter 12: Let Others Be "Right" Most of the Time
Challenge: the next time you are in a discussion/argument, let the other person be right and take notice on the initial feeling that transpires.
I took the challenge for one particular situation today. My brother came home early from school because somebody in his class had gotten COVID-19. My mom came up to my room and since I had an orthodontist appointment I couldn’t afford to miss, she told me to stay away from my brother so I wouldn’t be spreading any virus when I was out. Then she made me a lunch but didn’t tell me and placed it right next to my brother. Instead of directing blame on her, saying that her statements and actions contradicted each other, I let her be in the right and took personal responsibility for not finding out about lunch plans at the time. The initial feeling that transpired within me was confusion, because I did feel like she was in the wrong in a way but instead of stating that I put myself in a light of being wrong. Then I kind of just moved on with my day. It didn’t really affect me a lot after that, and the day went on as normal as if nothing had happened. Letting the other person be right ended the discussion with a more peaceful tone since she didn’t get defensive or aggressive at all and I didn’t engage in it either.
Chapter 13: Become More Patient
Do you ever have a reflective moment when you realize you are so very small in this vast world and really your ‘drama’ isn’t that big a deal?
I have had a reflective moment of feeling very small but this hasn’t made me feel like any of my issues are any smaller than they previously were. In fact, often it will make them feel bigger. When I stress over one action or idea and then get reflective, I suddenly start connecting this one bad event to bad all over the world and all throughout my future. I get stuck in a spiral of thinking that disproportionately depicts my problems. Everything gets way too big for me to even handle anymore and that sends me into deep stress. In all actuality, these problems are not connected to the whole world and will not severely influence my future in any way. Instead, they will remain in the present and I will always have another chance to do better at the same action or idea. It is only in the moment of being reflective that these issues feel like they are mounting into something unmanageable. I have always been so stressed about where I am going to go in my future and I have also been encouraged to one day save the world, which contributes to why I internalize world issues as if they are solely my responsibility. Bringing myself into the present moment is the thing that makes me realize how small my problems are. They are grounded so that makes them within reach for me and easier to tackle.
Chapter 14: Create "Patience Practice Periods"
Do you have a ‘Mantra’, a statement, that you make to yourself daily or weekly?
I do not have a mantra that I make to myself but I do make a conscious effort to find what I am grateful for. When days get hard and I look around at a somber landscape, I can hold on to one thing that I am thankful for and that makes everything worthwhile. I often have to change these things because I cannot live for one thing forever. My gratitude thoughts are constantly adapting to keep up with where I am in life. Often I am not thinking about the big things like a house and my family, but more about the little things that I haven’t had for so long. This could be a cool picture I took on my phone, or a bike ride, or a few extra minutes of sleep one night. All of these are reminders that no matter how awful things around me may seem, there are hidden treasures that I may have forgotten are all around me as well. I don’t disregard the negative because negativity is often very heavy, like a rock, and hard to push away. Instead, I let it sit there and with positivity I decorate this heavy rock with my treasures. This is how I find my patience with life and how I keep my optimism when time gets tough and borders unbearable. I wish that I could permanently ingrain in myself how precious the gift of life and time is, but I forget a lot. Thus I use positivity to ground me and then I can work into getting into that thought process again.
Chapter 15: Be the First One to Act Loving or Reach Out
Have you lost a relationship because something “small” created a “big” divide?
I have never lost a relationship to something I didn’t feel was important. This question depends on what somebody’s definition of “small” is. In order to deem something small, it must be in comparison to something else. In today’s society, comparing ourselves to others is often discouraged in one breath but encouraged in another. Our definition of small depends on who we compare ourselves to and we will all end up with a different definition. That is why I have a hard time deeming what is small and what isn’t. Looking back, there have been times when people have definitely wronged me but I have always given another chance. Whenever I have lost a relationship, it has been because the other person cut me off. I can acknowledge that I played a role in it but it was not I who took the action. It may be a bad thing that I give people a lot of chances since I have gotten taken advantage of, but I ultimately strive just to make other people happy. On the off chance that I won’t get taken advantage of and we can continue like normal, I would much rather have that happen than never see them again.
Chapter 16: Ask Yourself the Question, “Will This Matter a Year from Now?”
What do you hope to do a year from now?
If all goes as planned and nothing dramatic happens, I should still be at the high school. I will still be taking classes and doing the same things I have always done. With COVID circumstances have changed and I hope in a year that we will be at school in person and not having to socially distance or wear masks. I don’t think in general there will be a big change in what I want to do a year from now though because I am tied to my obligations. I see more of who I want to be in the future. I want to be a happier person. I want to see myself making strides to lead a less stressful life. I want to become more of a grateful person, and somebody who is better at taking on heavy responsibilities. There have been times in life where I have been surprised with an unexpected challenge and it was too much for me to handle. If I could handle everything I would be less stressed and probably be better at getting through a tough situation.
Chapter 17: Surrender to the Fact that Life Isn’t Fair
Is life meant to be fair? What does that even mean?
Life is very unfair at times. There are children who are born into tough circumstances they never asked for. There are adults who witness things they will never recover from. There are groups of people laid off from work because they were never afforded an education. At the same time, there will be people on top of a hill living their best life. The moments in life are unfair because each person is going through something different.
So many people will say that life being unfair is natural and will forever be. That seems like such a pessimistic lifestyle though because if life is always unfair that means things will never turn out as wanted. We are told by society that life isn’t fair but then also told to strive to live our dream life. Both statements contradict each other because one says the other isn’t possible. If life is completely unfair there is no point in living and working towards anything better than the present situation. That is why I think life has to be fair or even favorable at times while being unfair at other times. Things can’t be bad all of the time or else everyone would get tired and give up. There is no point in living through pain just to experience more around the corner. We have to remember the good times in our lives like the times life gives us a chance to smile. There are people out in the world who have worked hard and become successful and then there are people who have worked even harder and didn’t. Even though we may not all live in mansions or accomplish something huge with our lives, we all have our place in life and that is fair. We all have very low points in our lives and that is also fair. Even though our experiences are different you can talk to another person and somewhere in your story, you will have something in common with the one across from you. That is fair, maybe not for all in this moment or even in this lifetime but it still is.
Chapter 18: Allow Yourself to Be Bored
Do you take the time to be bored?
I don’t take near enough time to be bored as I should. With more responsibilities coming with age, today it is that I don’t see any time I have that could be used for this purpose. School is what mostly preoccupies me and it always leaves me with another task in the process of completion. On the average day, I am at school for 8 hours, thinking about school for 2.5 hours, and working on schoolwork for 3-4 hours. The long list of items is endless and as I fit in extra work in hopes of doing the maximum to fill my “full potential,” I overfill my time to the point where my to-dos become impossible.
This is the cycle I am stuck in now, but there was a time in my life when I did have the opportunity to be bored. I most associate boredom with childhood, a time when I was mostly free of responsibilities and also had the most energy I’ve ever had. Unfortunately when I was young I was not the most insightful individual and did not realize how precious boredom would once become to me. I was also never taught the skills to learn how to appreciate a present moment. Whenever I would say I was bored, my parents would be quick to tell me I needed to find something to fill the time. Whether that was chores, homework, an instrument, a new toy, or a summer program, I was always doing something. Instead of learning how to handle boredom, I learned how to avoid it. I can attribute some of my stress now to this because it has become a habit to just never take a break.
I still don’t know what I would do in a moment when I was bored. I just know that I crave it because it is the opposite of what I have now. Sure, it is nice to have a lot to put on a college application, to have knowledge above my peers, to be skilled at many different things, and to feel accomplished at the end of the day. That is what many strive for and I am grateful to have done it. In the moment though when I am actually doing these things, I don’t feel like I am living for the moment. I am just surviving to have future me look back and be proud. In a world that is so uncertain, we cannot guarantee that future. If all I have ever done doesn’t amount to what I strived for, at the end of the day the sacrifice of my wellbeing was not worth it. If learning to be comfortable with boredom will make me a calmer and happier person, that is what I want. These life skills are under my control so they will more certainly achieve the outcome I want and benefit me more than the knowledgeable intellect will.
Chapter 19: Lower Your Tolerance to Stress
Have you been taught to believe high stress is a positive thing?
I have always been taught to believe that intense stress was a positive thing. It is a belief I’ve tried to resist but it comes from so many different sources that ingrain it in us from a young age. The people portrayed in the media boast about the struggle they take to manage their company and are praised for it. We compliment someone when they are under high stress while doing something. Schools look for people who work harder and put them on a pedestal, saying we should always put in all of our effort even if conserving some effort for something else is a more reasonable thing to do. Parents and colleges pressure us to push the limits of our capabilities to impossible heights in order to show our “dedication.” The biggest issue is that people often lose sight of what really usually matters which is the product of work. If one person can create the same product as another person while working in a more efficient and less stressful way, instead of being shamed that should be seen as a good thing. If somebody does their best to complete a task while still prioritizing their wellbeing, that should be seen as good enough and not criticized.
There is increasing discussion about the link between children who were labeled as “gifted” at a young age and the young adults who burn out of their work. I was one of those people labeled as “gifted.” I was pushed into so many different programs, taking chemistry classes at the age of 8, being given a harder assignment than the rest of my regular class and still being expected to adhere to the same grading, and much more. I was even grading the papers of my other classmates and was designated tutor at one point. I was praised for it and told it was bettering my future and would get me into an amazing college one day. I definitely derived benefit from this but by the time I reached high school, I had been working so much for so long that I was just tired. Now I set very high expectations for myself and take any class labeled “honors” or “AP” because that is all I know to do. I am still complimented for the amount of stress I am under, which is seen as an increased effort. One night, I was up until 3 am in the morning working on a group project and one other group member noticed I was up that late and complimented me for my hard work that resulted in me getting no sleep. I could have done a mediocre job and still had a good product but by sacrificing sleep, I was seen as better. This belief doesn’t necessarily say that intense stress is a good thing. It is saying that if we have to put ourselves under intense stress to do better at something, it is the right thing to do. This belief should not be accepted because nothing should be prioritized over your own well-being. Unfortunately, I did not have the tools when I was young to see what society’s false values would do to me and it has followed me all the way to where I am today.
If I could tell my younger self one thing about this, I would tell them that people’s constant need to get above each other is unimportant. There are definitely times when you should put in all of your effort if you feel it is crucial but there are a lot of things in life that aren’t going to affect you in the long run. In that case, just do what you can and do what is asked of you. Doing what you can in that moment is always going to be enough and will also help you lead a happier, more peaceful life. The world will never go to plan and all you can rely on is yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, you run the risk of having nothing.
Chapter 20: Once a Week, Write a Heartfelt Letter
When is the last time you sat down and wrote a letter with gratitude?
The last time I wrote a letter with gratitude was when I wrote on the red hearts to send letters out to veterans around Valentine’s Day. I am definitely not the best at writing letters to people but I hope I conveyed through my words how thankful I am that they provide such a sacrifice of a service for the people of our country. I have written a couple letters to veterans as assignments for Leadership this school year. In the letters, I usually take the beginning sentences to express gratitude. The rest of the letter is something I think could help them. I can imagine that being in the military is very stressful a lot of the time. I usually write about a quote, a holiday or world event, or just my life to try and provide them a distraction. I want to write a letter that they can pick up in their most stressful times and just zone out with because we all need a break sometimes. I intend on writing more letters of gratitude to people. I often lose my time to either an extreme work load or lack of motivation but I need to remember I can still take advantage of the moments I am free and feel motivated to use myself to provide a service to others. For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to just bring smiles to the faces of other people and spread positivity. If I can pair this passion with action I believe that some very incredible things could happen.
Chapter 21: Imagine Yourself at Your Own Funeral
If you could change anything right now about your life, what would it be?
If I could change anything about my life, I would probably change the way people organize responsibilities. I am very much opposed to the way people place emphasis on overextending themselves with responsibilities. Society is structured to make stress an experience that is seen to prove dedication, responsibility, and success. Whoever decided this was setting generations of people up for failure. There should be a way to get day to day responsibilities done while still keeping the value of your time in mind. Essentially it is our time that is being spent and we should be aware of our choice of how to spend that time. However, many of us think we are obligated to give up our lives to a larger cause or to an endless stream of deadlines.
Every night, I put all my effort into every assignment, stress about the due dates of my various obligations, and end the day with little free time and an endless sense of tiredness. That is in no way what I pictured the glamour of life would be like when I was young and dreaming of success. What I pictured was a small house with a large yard, a tiny koi pond, a swing on my front porch, a cool car, and a job as a scientist doing amazing things to help people. I always thought that stretching my limits to the end was a necessary step working towards all of that but now I have become unsure. The people who surround me view me as super studious and tell me that I will do amazing things if I just keep the work up. I wish though that I could change my focus into more projects though that feel like they’re led on my own accord and feel meaningful. I want the world to change their view of people as a whole. Society has used people as machines rather than acknowledging the humanity of their workforce. We wonder why we have become so dissatisfied even with the advances in technology, interconnectedness of communication, the expanse of knowledge, and availability to travel and experience so many things all over the world. However, we shouldn’t be so surprised because all of these privileges and advancements are constantly used against us in a society centered around constant obligation of work. We need to see the value of the time we own and take control of how we spend it
Chapter 22: Repeat to Yourself "Life isn't an Emergency
Describe a time or moments in your life when you turn something into an emergency.
I really hope that all my self-created emergencies will make for a really epic college essay one day, but who knows. There are so many times that I have created emergencies in my life. As many know, I have applied myself to lots of organizations both within the school and in the community. I also take the highest level of every class offered to me, constantly put all my effort into every assignment, maintain a fairly good social life, sleep 5 hours a night, eat 2 meals a day, deal with family issues at home, balancing the expectations of society, trying to get a driver's permit and a job, and planning for college. Other people have approached me and said, “Wow, you do so much! How do you balance it all?” It’s an interesting question because I have never thought of it as a whole lot. Of course, I am going to exaggerate everything one day in a college essay to make it seem like I am the top 1% of the nation but that doesn’t mean I believe it. I have never thought that I was good enough or did enough. That is why I always push myself well past my limits. The intense stress this causes me is awful but I justify it by saying that one day it will get me into Stanford. Realistically, is all of this intense pressure actually necessary in order to reach my goals? If these are requirements to get into Stanford, am I really meant to go on this path? These are the questions I have begun asking myself as I get closer to applying for college. Part of me still says that since I have done it this long, I might as well do it for the rest of high school. This is what I will most likely still do. However, I will consider creating a more enjoyable path to my goals instead of crafting one full of so much pressure. In the very least, I must arrange my values and only sacrifice my happiness for the things most important to me. College for some reason is incredibly important to me so I am going to get there one way or another. However, the smaller things don't deserve my attention as much.
Chapter 23: Experiment with Your Back Burner
Analyze: "It puts our quieter, softer, and sometimes most intelligent source of thinking to work for us on issues that we have no immediate answer for."
I have definitely found that when I put something into the back of my mind for a while, it helps me think more clearly and actually gets work done faster. Usually I will try to push everything into the back of my mind before I go to bed for the night. After a good night's sleep, I can wake up with a new perspective and make a clearer decision for myself. At other times, I actively acknowledge that I cannot multitask in the moment and end up putting certain things on my calendar. Rather than obsessing over something and letting it consume my time, I can be more productive with another task and still subconsciously ponder my other tasks. It allows me to do a lot more in a shorter time because I wait for the time when suddenly, a brilliant idea pops up in my head. Then I can transition my focus quickly and not waste any time in the thinking stage.
There are definitely ways that I can utilize my back burner more efficiently. Sometimes I am unable to push things onto my back burner. I could make my life a lot easier if I allowed my mind to automate a lot more of my life. One example of this was when I was listening to this chapter in class. I was mixing papers of different colors together as I organized stacks of leaves for the teachers in the school. At the same time, chapter 23 of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff was being read aloud in class. If I had put my full attention into the papers, I would not be able to do this assignment right now. However, I tried my best to be actively listening in on the conversation while letting my hands get into the routine of sorting papers. Another thing that sometimes happens is that my back burner gets turned off. Sometimes I push so many things back that it overloads the back burner and causes it to stop working. This is when things take way longer than they should. There are always ways I can improve myself and how I work. Using the skills I learned in this chapter, I can work more efficiently and achieve more while utilizing the full potential of my mental capacity.
Chapter 24: Spend a Moment Every Day Thinking of Someone to Thank
Who is one person you would thank in this moment and why? I challenge you to communicate this gratitude with this person.
One person I would like to thank at this moment is my AP Biology teacher, Ms. Van Vuren. She is upholding the success of the Environmental Advocacy Club right now with some great ideas. One such is the clothes drive we put on because that was all her planning in the background. I was just the one who executed her plan. Then for the Winterfest tree competition, she has come up with another great idea of turning our involvement into another way to give back to the community. She truly cares about a lot of people and that is reflected in all aspects of her life. I have also been able to see how much Ms. Van Vuren puts into every lesson of teaching. Before Thanksgiving break, she curated an hour worth of videos and created quizzes to measure our progress. Then she also created another hour worth of videos as a precautionary measure just in case we didn’t get through our next lesson on time. She is so dedicated to making sure her students’ education is fulfilled and I think people learn more in her class than any other required core subject. Outside of school, Ms. Van Vuren is still working on her education as she balances a lot of time achieving a Masters degree in Environmental Literacy. I can tell that she overworks herself constantly and tries very hard to prevent herself from getting burnt out. She constantly wants other people to be okay before she takes the time to check on herself. However, I hope that she knows that we care about her, she is such a valued staff member on campus, and she makes an amazing impact on other people’s lives.
Chapter 25: Smile at Strangers, Look into Their Eyes, and Say Hello
When you read this chapter, regarding eye contact & connect, what are your initial thoughts?
I think connecting with strangers is a very lighthearted and innocent way to live life. It is kind of unrealistic though as society is afraid of itself. We built a framework of human nature that requires us to isolate ourselves from each other. Therefore, I think that we have to grow past that thinking and learn to be cautious around everyone. I think we still can take the opportunity to accept strangers into our lives but fully connecting with them while they are still considered foreign to us is not a good idea. Eye contact and a smile are both perfectly acceptable and can still make a profound impact on someone’s life. We should all strive to be kind to the ones we meet. One can never know what the person next to them is having to deal with at any given moment. Therefore, we really need each other and it is necessary to have the people we can trust. However, we must also learn to protect ourselves, be independent, and make conscious decisions to ensure the best quality of life for ourselves.
Chapter 26: Set Aside Quiet Time, Every Day
When do you find a quiet moment in your day, every day, just to be present and quiet? Do you? Or perhaps you don’t… explain.
I don’t know what time in my day qualifies as a quiet moment. I do a lot of work throughout my day and then my free time is what I consider down time. However, this part of the day is usually filled with stress and business with family, extracurricular activities and planning ahead. In the end when everything finally gets quiet, I am so tired that I am not even concentrated enough to call that a quiet moment as I spend it sleeping in bed. I have a difficult time quieting my mind. I also have a tendency to ignore the signs my body shows that it needs some rest. I work until I’m burnt out and then I shut down for a while. Regulating my stress is very difficult and some of the physical signs I experience are chronic tension in my back, neck, and jaw, dizziness, fatigue, and bad memory. If I could find a way to get a moment to be present every day, I would. I got close over Thanksgiving break which was great because I started to forget that I even had school responsibilities to take care of. Even if I wasn’t focused on the present, I was at peace with the future because there was the ability to have control over my schedule.
Chapter 27: Imagine the People in Your Life as Tiny Infants & as 100 Year Old Adults
Describe a time when you have been frustrated with someone, but you “let-go” of the situation and moved forward with your life. How did that make you feel?
One time, I was frustrated with someone was when I trusted somebody to do a task with clear instructions and they disappointed me. I explained to them what I needed and left them to do it. Then when I came back, I realized that they had messed up and I tried to help them fix it. However, they responded by getting angry at me for messing up my things. I have no idea what elicited the aggressive anger they expressed towards me. It didn’t make much sense and I think that is the biggest reason I just let go of the situation. However, I can be empathetic and put myself in the shoes of the situation. I assume that when they agreed to do the task, they tackled more than they could handle and were embarrassed which made them defensive. This experience mostly served as a lesson for life. Since then, I have definitely had a lot of people who are dependable and I have surrounded myself with more of them. I have learned what people I should turn to and we know how to lean on each other. I was also educated on the fact that when I let go of a situation, I conserve a lot of energy that otherwise would have been wasted with vengeful retaliation.
Chapter 28: Seek First to Understand
Describe a situation where you didn’t seek to understand first. Was there a resolution to this conflict?
Most of the time, I make conscious efforts to listen to the thoughts and words of others. It is rare that I won’t make the space for someone to share their concerns and usually I follow their lead on how they want the issue to be handled. Sometimes that is with a quick resolution and sometimes it is just processing an event. However, sometimes a sort of fight-or-flight kicks in and I’d rather escape a situation than have to deal with it. I make assumptions about others in this instance and definitely don’t seek to understand their point of view. Interestingly, this happens multiple times with an association to the same people every time. One thing I absolutely cannot handle is someone who takes an overly aggressive approach. Something within me envisions the worst possible outcome and this causes me legitimate fear. At other times, it seems very unmotivating to try and advocate a point with someone who seems to not welcome the idea. There are many people who will attempt to shift the blame to me every time something goes wrong in life and at that point, I have to walk away and really reflect on fact/false. I really don’t think people need to be blamed for actions because for me it is easier to deal with something when we can separate it from this source of anger to analyze it. Another time when I won’t seek to understand is when I judge the issue as not worth the backlash that may ensue following. Some things are rather petty and when I only have a limited amount of energy, I’d rather conserve and be able to use the mindset of essentialism. I can practice not tackling everything and instead focusing on what matters most to me. At no point does exiting the situation ever lead to a resolve. However, this works as a short-term solution because if I feel the need to leave, I am probably not ready mentally or physically to face the issue. Often my fears and opinions that lead to this are unrealistic or invalid but I have never minded putting off an issue as long as possible. It is why I carry problems and sometimes never fix them. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a grudge because it doesn’t weigh down the relationship I have with the other person very much, but I would definitely say it is a bottled-up worry that lingers in the back of my mind and influences me to view the person differently. It may not be the healthiest coping mechanism to avoid my problems but so far, it has served me okay at least. I like to highlight that I only repetitively have issues with specific people. There are many confrontational or solution-based people in places such as school but since they haven’t broken trust with me, I don’t get immediately defensive upon their approach. The difference is that the people I have problems with are the ones who have incessantly expressed what I believe is a disregard for my voice or wellbeing.
Chapter 29: Become a Better Listener
Who is someone that you can genuinely talk to, that you know will listen to you. Describe that relationship.
There are many people in my life that I guess I could genuinely talk to. A few teachers in particular are people that I know would always be supportive of me. I have friends who carry hearts of compassion and are selfless enough to sacrifice resources for others. Both of these groups are people who would be open as non judgemental figures. However, I never really give myself the chance to be truly honest with them. They all have brought me up in one way or another on my academic journey and have shown their ability to be dependable. Nothing has gotten deeper than that though. My relationships have halted on this level and failed to give insight into how I actually live my life. The only reason I can think of for this is the fact that I’ve learned to be silenced by the several people who historically have brushed off or judged me for my statements. When people have gotten a clearer look into the window of my highs and lows, they have been surprised by the happenings behind the scenes. I definitely hold purpose behind every action I take and the group which surrounds me has vastly changed over time. It is awesome that these individuals have gotten to witness this point in my life. However, they aren’t getting the full picture.
Chapter 30: Choose Your Battles Wisely
Describe a time when you "lost your Shhhhhhh" and in reality it wasn't worth the energy. How did you feel after the confrontation? Could you have gone differently if you didn't sweat the small stuff?
One time, I had so many assignments that filled more time than there was in the day. I completed everything to my general satisfaction but when grades came back, they were lower than what I had hoped. I can’t say that I didn’t meet where I expected myself to be. However, it felt very unmotivating to be in a state of which my hard work hadn’t come to its fruition. For a series of subsequent days, I spent time criticizing myself over every way I had failed. I began to create the belief that it may not be possible for me to succeed in the particular efforts. Overall, this issue compounded with others in creating an environment that further inhibited my academic success. Eventually, I had to come to terms with the idea that one failure wouldn’t become the ruins of my entire life goals. I wish that I had realized this sooner rather than later. Although I still don’t fully believe myself, I was at least able to provide temporary relief in seeing that I could move forward. A more productive mindset was formulated in which I was able to really step back and analyze the situation. There were ways in which I could improve that I now recognized. Using this knowledge, I was able to gain courage to try again and steadily improve myself.
Chapter 31: Become Aware of Your Moods and Don't Allow Yourself to Be Fooled by the Low Ones
Explain a time when you were in a bad mood and how it shaped your day. Vise Versa, explain a time when you were in a great mood and discuss the day you had.
There have been times when I have been in a bad mood. It is usually when I get overwhelmed and don’t know how to manage the panic that comes with it. When this happens, I seem to appear very confused or express myself curtly. One such time was when I found out that a family member borrowing my car was being dishonest in how they were using it. Every time it would be back at the house, the driver side floor rugs would be covered in dirt, leaves, and more. I opened my trunk and found random trash that never actually got cleared out. In addition, I was witness to them driving irresponsibly while speeding, not being attentive to other people sharing the road, running into street curbs multiple times, and carelessly revving my engine. The worst part was that they scraped up my front bumper, promised that they’d fix it, and then never stuck to their word. I was beyond frustrated with them at this point and they basically did not get to drive my car again for a very long time. It got progressively worse as they let my car insurance lapse. At that time, I was in a bad mood and was very short on patience for the acts which seemed disrespectful and malicious.
I have also had good days over time. One such day was when I got to present at the Stockton Earth Day with Jenna and another friend. We had worked so hard to educate ourselves and work to the point of being able to hold this event. It was also great to be able to adapt using Zoom and still hold this event despite COVID restrictions. It ended up being a positive experience for me and everything ran very smoothly. We celebrated the hard work each of us had put into the planning and were able to enjoy the nature of the successful event created. I left feeling at least partially fulfilled because I had met the expectations of the people I was serving. In addition, it was a fun memory made with people who I would stay connected with for a long time in the future. Even though things with family weren’t working out well, I was able to separate myself from some negatives in my life while taking the time to truly cherish something good.
Chapter 32: Life is a Test. It is Only a test.
“As an experiment, see if you can apply this idea to something you are forced to deal with” right now. Explain your emotions and logic behind this situation. Can you rise above it?
Tests are very stressful because in certain subjects, there are aspects beyond one’s control. I have studied to varying degrees for different exams and often gotten unexpected results. I have done poorly on the tests I pour my entire self into. Contrastively, I have passed math tests like a breeze with no studying at all. While this can be influenced by my active participation in class, studying, and comprehension, there are also so many external variables to take into account. That is why I don’t want to think about life as a test. If our lives were the equivalent to an exam, then it would basically be us constantly getting criticized for our actions with no break. We would become a very defeated population if graded by an outside perspective or forced to constantly produce.
I agree with David that we should be the evaluator of our own life test. I hope that my life will incorporate aspects of service to others, fulfilling impact, social connection, and service to myself. Right now, I have gone above the standard for helping other people and also pursuing passion. I have some work I could do regarding social situations because I can work to learn the meaning of being vulnerable. I falter sharply while taking care of myself. My mindset over the past two years has been that I am here to only help other people, I put other people’s wants before my bare necessities, and sleep is an overflow time for work. I have been disappointed in missing out on isolated instances such as speech competitions even while being told that I definitely do enough extracurriculars to make it into college. I connected with Jaydin saying that she has been told, “Something has to give.” I have heard the same thing from other people because the way I operate is not sustainable in any way. This is something I can overcome but it will take time and effort, both scarce resources. I have the power to set standards while measuring my success in self-improvement. I must be realistic and allow the capability to achieve my goals.
Chapter 33: Praise & Blame Are All the Same
You will not please everyone… how does this statement sit with you and why do we tend to focus on the negative rather than the positive?
When pondering these thoughts in class, I was trying to illustrate them through comparison. It is from then that I came to a single realization: the people around us are a lot like a garden. Each day, we may return to sit in the same garden. However, we water the plants with our own drinking water. We do this because we are afraid that if we don’t, then the plants will wither away and the garden won’t be as great anymore. Sure, it could definitely rain and the plants could take care of themselves. We are driven though by the fear of what may happen if it didn’t rain, if everything didn’t work out right. We are afraid of the overwhelm that we would experience if plants started dying around us. Our drinking water, although for ourselves, gives us a false sense of control over the situation. We believe that if we just water the plants, the plants will live and be happy. Similarly, we believe that if we work to please others, they will like and accept us. The plants can still die and the people can still hate us which is why pleasing people is often futile when taken to extremes.
I believe that a person should do what is best for them without sacrificing their needs or inner character. However, I don’t necessarily implement this philosophy into my life well. I am terrified of conflict with other people. Therefore, I do anything within semi-safe limits in order to keep people content. My belief was that content people start less fights. Even when I overextended myself to great lengths, I was still met with critically negative words and hurtful actions though. Therefore, it wasn’t practical to keep doing things for others. I still want to be a help for others. However, I also need to try finding value in myself and believing that I am worth other people’s consideration. I dislike the idea of being affected so easily by other individuals. However, I can make use of this with careful consideration and expression instead of internalizing things.
I was actually asking myself a few days ago why I remember negative better than positive. I know that many great things have become part of my life over time. However, I always seem to remember stressful situations, negative words, and uncomfortable situations and they take a lot of free rent in my mind. When I focus on the bad memories, it makes things seem very upsetting. However, I struggle with good memories because it takes my energy to intentionally guide myself towards good times. It seems like nothing can just be good either because positivity over time has gotten a way of tinting itself with trouble.
Chapter 34: Practice Random Acts of Kindness
Describe a time when you complete RAK and how did it make you feel?
I try to incorporate random acts of kindness when the opportunity arises. One thing I consistently do for others is holding the door before and after class. It is so simple since I just lean my body weight into it and stay in one spot. However, people visibly express their appreciation and it makes their lives a bit better. I can understand this because there have been days when just pushing open that door has been so hard due to a lack of energy. There were times when I was having a very bad day, didn’t sleep at all the night before, failed a test, had a family member yell at me, among other things. I would appreciate that same action towards me in those situations. We can never know what another person is going through so all I can do is try to make other people’s lives easier. I have developed a special empathy for other people so I take action to make sure other people don’t have to experience what I did. I feel good about myself knowing that I can use my experience for good.
Chapter 35: Looking Beyond Behavior
In your own words, describe the meaning of loving-kindness.
I do not agree with this chapter because of how it doesn’t apply across all situations. Forgiveness is way more complicated than what is portrayed in the author’s writing. Simple inconveniences referred to would not even warrant forgiveness in my opinion. It would be unfair of me to be petty and require others to fully accommodate me. Some things are just mine to deal with because if I become upset that easily, then I am dealing with my own intrinsic problems. I do not owe forgiveness to anyone because it is my own sacrifice of energy and a formation of closure within myself. There have been many times when I have felt pressured to forgive someone very early on. It ends up being the wrong thing for the time and leaves me feeling defeated. In the process, I’ve let myself down by not supporting myself adequately. Complications arise as I now have to forgive myself for choosing to go into this hard situation and eventually I end up losing my self-trust as this pattern of behavior continues. It can take a lot of energy to commit to staying with someone depending on what occurred to break the ties with the person. While I let a lot of small things slide past me, there are big actions that feel like they’re intention is to harm me. To push through that and try to fix things is not an easy process and it means giving up my own sense of comfort to pursue that. It is why I think forgiveness should be treated as more fragile because it is a much more complicated process than what was depicted in the text. Everyone has their own personal reasons for forgiveness as well as what it means to them going forwards in life. There is no universal answer and this author should not be encouraging readers to forgive if he doesn’t know the context of their stories.
Chapter 36: See the Innocence
What occurs when we practice compassion toward others and let go of "their" story, rather than be caught up in the drama of a situation?
I have definitely tried to not take other people’s actions personally. When I devote myself too much to someone, I end up feeling like their actions are a reflection of feelings towards me. When someone doesn’t fulfill an intention, seems off in conversation, doesn’t involve me in an activity, seems to avoid me, etc, I get caught into a mix of anxious feelings. Realistically, they could be upset about something unrelated or not be upset at all. My mind has a tendency to overanalyze and therefore forget that I am not the center of people’s worlds. They are living their own lives in the same sense that I live mine, and for once I shouldn’t try to exercise my control upon the things that so delicately preexist in balance. There is likely nothing catastrophic that will result from a single bad day so the energy put towards things that are beyond me is a waste. I still try to be aware of the people around me though. Often I will notice when the room feels different or a friend is having a hard time. However, it isn’t of much help since I don’t actually know how to react in those situations. Comforting someone would require me to be vulnerable and that can be quite daunting. I also grew up in a family that promoted being silent and dealing with things on one’s own. It definitely impacted my ability to support and be supported on that level. I want people to feel like they are valued, heard, and cared for because those in my life mean more to me than they will ever know. I enjoy connecting with others and sharing experiences. I try to practice compassion by being a kind and genuine person and my favorite thing to do for others is make their life a bit easier. It might seem like holding open the door, sharing a study resource, offering to drive someone home, and sharing a few meaningful words would be small. However, it is the smallest things that can feel the most heavy when someone is facing a much larger struggle.
Chapter 37: Choose Being Kind Over Being Right
Define equanimity. Do you practice this in your life? Look to your Ego first before you answer...
Equanimity is the ability to tame your own ego to prevent your reaction from getting in the way of another person trying to live their life. I practice this frequently while attempting to keep people content but this is my way of preventing conflict. When I completely block my own input, it means that I don’t want to be associated with the situation anymore. This is different from the times when I choose to celebrate other people’s successes. The former is more centered around myself and is a more negative situation. The latter is focused on another person’s satisfaction and lets them feel capable of great things. I dislike the people who intrude and present themselves as of a higher intellect or status. A certain level of humility allows bright individuals to collaborate and bring others up with them. I won’t be able to believe that I am the absolute best at anything. There are people all over the world with similar goals to mine and every time I sit down, there is someone still standing and working towards their future. Alone, many of us will achieve notable accomplishments. However, as a team, the collection of diversified knowledge brings the opportunity to create something new and build with what everyone has to offer.
Chapter 38: Tell Three People (Today) How Much You Love Them
In picking 3 people, who would you choose and why them?
In the interest of fairness, I would not pick any three particular people for the expression of my love. There are too many people I know that have each made a unique impact upon me. My choice would be random and hopefully, if I were to approach three people every day, it would eventually add to the amount of appreciation that people in my life deserve. I have taken advantage of time over the course of my life and when I was little, I didn’t want to think ahead. My parents would talk about the things I take for granted are not permanent. I didn’t expect that things would change so drastically in the years that followed. There are things that I deeply valued and will never get back. I will also not forget and it will serve as a reminder to appreciate the present moment. It is the only thing that you can actually guarantee because everything else could end at the notice of an instant.
Chapter 39: Practice Humility
Describe a time when you saw an individual or a group lack humility. How did that make you feel about said individual/group? No need to share names in this example.
One time I saw a person lack humility when describing the events of their summer. I don’t think they realized at all that I could have perceived it as a lack of humility, but honestly I’m glad they didn’t. Although I keep myself very reserved, I feel like humility is something that greatly limits us. This person had gone on trips out of the country, spent time with friends, grown closer with their family, and more. I appreciated them for sharing that with me because it felt like the person pulled down a barrier and let me see into their life. I feel like we all have the ability to acknowledge our reaction but also control what that turns into. I had no animosity towards the other person for what could have turned into a situation of envy. My summer was different in its own way but it didn’t hold me back or instigate an emotional response. Instead, I expressed a genuine interest and enjoyed listening to them. I am a person who loves both celebrating people’s highs and empathizing with people’s lows. It leads into the types of conversations I like to have and the forms of connection I like to build. If people were forced to censor themselves by not being able to share life with others anymore, then life would feel less meaningful. So many people are already isolated from each other in a world where we were meant to be social creatures. Before society moved into small square apartments and toiled away on work at all hours, they lived in groups that relied on mutual support to survive.
Chapter 40: When in Doubt about Whose Turn It Is to Take Out the Trash, Go Ahead and Take It Out
What is your perspective/opinion of this article? Valid, or a waste of time?
I thoroughly enjoy helping other people and celebrating them. However, my biggest issue is the feeling of being tied down. There is a difference for me between an obligation/commitment and being forced to do something. I have adopted the perspective that I don’t owe anything to anyone and in return, nobody owes anything to me. While this may seem negative, I did this because I thought it would be optimistic. I view the actions of others with more gratitude while also feeling more in control of my life. At the deepest level, it relates to some past situations and protection from the feeling of being let down by another person. One person picked up a habit from their workplace and claimed that it helped them get their desires fulfilled. In a mostly harmless way, they would follow a request with “thank you,” before the person actually agreed to fulfill it. Although I have done the same thing to others through email and text messaging, it was different when actually directed towards me. The back of my mind began to think, what if I didn’t do it? At this point, I could sense a potential conflict with the person and decided to test whether my intuition was correct. The next time this person asked me to do something, I responded that I was very busy and would get to it when I could. Their retaliation towards me was verbal anger and I didn’t want to be involved anymore. My belief was that they had created the expectation of me doing things for them without actually giving me an option. The habitual nature of these altercations drained my energy and I had to take a break. Eventually, I began to help this person and sought resolution to the conflict. There are so many people that I would do nearly anything for. I step up to help wherever I can in the circumstances where I see need. However, I perceived a threat in the moment with this person because I felt like I was being tied to them. Helping others is definitely important and I agree with this aspect of the chapter. However, at some point I need to consider myself because my comfort level is important too. My personal issues get in the way of being a “good person” and I hate to say that they also source many of the conflicts I try so hard to avoid. That is just part of relationship complexities though and the parts of me that aren’t great. When I don’t put myself out freely or become accepting of help, my needs are sometimes not so readily met. That is my flaw and therefore I must compensate for it by taking the responsibility upon myself. I feel like to some extent we all release our codependency and tend to our own needs. It doesn’t make us selfish people. Instead, it sustains our way of life and allows us to continue on helping others.
Chapter 41: Avoid Weatherproofing
Do you weatherproof? Explain.
I start weatherproofing more after periods of high instability which is ironic because that is when the most things are in disarray. When my living situation changed last year, I feared that the important things wouldn’t be taken care of, everyone would suddenly leave, something would set off an unexpected change, and I would have no way of controlling any of it. As a result, I became very nit picky over the way that I perceived other people’s actions to impact my own life. This continued for a while and I pushed a lot of people away because of it. When I realized that weatherproofing added more stress to my life than it resolved, I attempted to reconcile with people and be less obsessive over the outcome of my life. Weatherproofing is definitely harmful because it breeds negativity and has no effect upon the scope of my control over situations.
Chapter 42: Spend a Moment, Every Day, Thinking of Someone to Love
“Who do you choose to send love to in this moment?”
I want to send love to multiple people throughout my day. I run into multiple people at school and home that I love. Therefore, I just express my love whenever it happens and spread it out across the day. When I show love to another person, it has more impact than I know. I compare it to an analogy of light in a mirror. If there was one light and everyone in the room was holding a mirror, the light would shine in so many different directions. Certain people are described as “brightening up the room” and “being a light in other people’s lives”. We can spread that shining life by passing that love on to other people and creating the mindset of that importance. There was some discussion about the ways that people show their love to others. It influences the idea that love isn’t always guided in a positive light. I understand that because at times, I have gotten frustrated with the ones I love. We conflicted with each other and it didn’t work out until we were able to move on. I have become conflicted with myself in these moments because letting go of things is not something that I do easily. When I have to let go of someone for the path that may set them far apart from me, it is difficult. However, I have to remind myself that it isn’t my life and that I have no way of knowing what is best for that other person. I can only have control over myself and do what feels right for me. I send love to those I care about whenever I can and shall continue doing so because it means a lot to me.
Chapter 43: Become an Anthropologist
“Reflect on the following: ‘judging others takes a great deal of energy and, without exception, pulls you away from where you want to be.”
I agree with this statement because it has been a part of my own self-growth journey. I was being judged negatively by the people around me and rather than taking on an understanding from their perspective, I ingrained the negativity within myself as a personal attack. Being caught up trying to satisfy and care for other people, I lost touch with myself. In school, I was open to extracurricular activities and became established in my Ripon High community. Upon doing so, I met so many great people and took on conscious effort to surround myself with those who lift me up. There were certain people who became similar to mentor figures and enabled the tools to learn more about myself. I realized that while starting high school, my roots were very shallow and I hadn’t found my place yet. As I navigated the challenges of a Zoom school year, cherished the weird moments with my Leadership family, went on adventures with Environmental Advocacy, and made bonds over our rigorous coursework, my roots grew deeper. I was more established and less swayed by the opinions of others. I now know who I am which has made me more comfortable with my empathy and vulnerability towards others. I was able to reconcile a lot of differences with my family and understand that they were dealing with tough struggles. I reevaluated the situation and learned how to be the best son/grandson/brother for them while also balancing the care for my own needs. I have even involved them more in my school activities because I acknowledged the barriers I put up towards their involvement due to my own feelings. Overall, I have been able to find the track that will take me through part of my life. Celebrating college in Leadership, with the congratulation of friends/teachers outside of class, and with my family at home was great because I feel like I now have a solid foundation for my future. I have been able to let more people into my life and also best market myself in applications such as those for college because I actually feel confident in who I am now. There is always more growing that I need to do and it poses unique challenges in my daily life. However, I have the tools to cope with and overcome those challenges.
Chapter 44: Understand Separate Realities
“Why is it important to see the differences amongst one another in our small intimate circle to cultures around the world?”
Our differences are just as important as our similarities. There are multiple things that contribute to each of us having a different set of skills, experiences, preferences, strengths, and weaknesses. Understanding these differences in each other allows us to identify how we can best utilize people for a greater full potential. However, our similarities bring us together and that is what we need when trying to work cohesively towards large goals. It ties in with the idea of diversity which is so much more than what some people regard as race and ethnicity. Moving beyond every label is a real person who has experienced life in a unique way. Understanding people is a reflection of the nuanced world around us. There are some people that feel the world was meant to work out a certain way for each person. In viewing through that lens, we can analyze each moment that led a person up to the point of being in front of us. Our differences lead us to certain points in our lives and the people we meet are a result of the similarities on our paths.
Chapter 45: Develop Your Own Helping Rituals
"What are some ways that you can help the spread of kindness towards others?"
I feel like it is not difficult to do simple acts of kindness. I try to implement this into my life each day by taking small actions to make other people’s lives easier. Holding the door open is probably what I do most because it becomes such a natural habit to turn around for the person behind you. I also share a smile with other people and make sure they feel respected. Life is difficult and I feel like sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own lives that we lose touch from the experiences we have with other people. Sometimes we may believe that our actions alone may not make a difference. However, kindness often initiates an effect that spreads further than you are aware of. I was listening to the Happiness Podcast episode about our habits and New Years resolutions. It talked about how people are more likely to achieve long-term goals when they are surrounded by a community conducive to that success. A former media reporter testified to the idea of her work-life balance in the UK versus when she moved to Holland. The UK shares some of the same cultural norms as the US in that people are encouraged to work constantly towards their success. The reporter found herself constantly setting goals to spend more time with her family but would only last a few weeks before falling into bad habits. Her family decided to move with her to the rural region of Holland. There, people are actually looked down upon for not having a balance between work and family because the government sets a shorter work day specifically for that purpose. The media reporter found herself in a community that was better able to support her goal and she actually got to share in her success with those around her who do the same thing. If it is not possible to transplant yourself into another environment, there are certain things that you can do to change your current situation in small ways. By creating ripple effects of kindness and setting that example, the group of people you associate with might develop similar habits and be more likely to enact random acts of kindness in the long term. There needs to be more emphasis upon kindness and connecting with other people so we feel like we are in a space where we are better able to do that. The US at this point in time emphasizes the individualist mindset and the idea of sacrificing your life towards some high dream. If society began to shift into a different mindset as a whole, this would naturally enact change that might lead people to happier, healthier lives.
Chapter 46: Every Day, Tell at Least One Person Something You Like, Admire or Appreciate about Them
"Give someone a compliment via text message or DM. Who did you choose and how did it make you feel to support another person?"
I gave a compliment to Grace Mikami yesterday when we were doing our Encore activities. I simply sent a message that said, “Hey, today is Thursday, it’s a great day and I am glad you are in my life. I appreciate you.” I am glad that I reached out to her because we hadn’t talked in a while. We had Spanish together last year which is how we really grew close with one another. This year, she has done so much work helping with the Red Cross and Book Club. She is applying to a lot of the UC schools and let me look over her essays before she submitted them. I am grateful for her being an awesome friend and person to talk to. I don’t express my appreciation often enough for those around me and it feels very good to let other people know that I care a lot about them.
Chapter 47: Argue for Your Limitations, and They're Yours
"Discuss a time when you had self doubt and set limitations on yourself. How did you or how can you change this behavior?"
I often engage with my self doubt and see it limit what I am capable of achieving. The example of this that I have seen most presently is with my courses. I have told many people that AP Calculus is all of my darkest nightmares put into one class. In that class I have not been very successful and last semester I actually got my first B grade. It was disappointing and I felt that it would further discourage me from ever gaining the nuanced understanding of Calculus that I had hoped to grasp. However, today I came in early to learn how to use a graphing calculator. It is a very complicated device and usually the only practice I have with it is during class. I had constantly viewed it as the enemy, the source of my transcript’s demise. Today during the test, I was completely stumped as I stared at a blank page. Suddenly, I realized the calculator was sitting beside me. It was the key to me completing that complicated problem. When I believed in myself, I then became capable of learning and growing. There have been big moments in my life that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have any confidence in myself. When I was writing a research paper over the summer, there were many moments when I wanted to give up. I had to research a completely unfamiliar topic and write an entire section while also balancing my schoolwork and college applications simultaneously. As I received critiques of my writing and learned a new style, it was easy to get discouraged but I kept going. I had a great end goal in mind and ended up writing a paper that the professor said was one of the best he had seen from his students. It set the precedent for the confidence I would place in myself to achieve my highest goals.